Stop Talking About It Mama!

Let me start off by saying that my son Corban has a fear of needles. His isn’t afraid like my being afraid of snakes or spiders, instead, his fear is debilitating. He is so afraid that he has to be held down and he yells for someone to help him. He is articulate enough to explain his fear. He tells his dad and me, as well as the nurses, that he is afraid because he knows it will hurt. He always says “Give me just a minute" and “It’s going to hurt so bad!” This just crushes me. I think I end up crying harder than he does.

Well, when we took him to the ER Friday night (he had pneumonia, strep, and sepsis), he had to have an IV…terrible, I know. Well, we weren’t lucky enough for that IV to last because it slipped after a couple of days and they had to put a new one in. So, the battle began again. As the nurses were working on him, I was holding him and turning his face to mine…I could see the overwhelming fear in his eyes, so I was saying “Give your fears to Jesus baby.” Yeah, right! Corban looked at me and said “Stop talking about it mama! You’re making me think about it.”

Right in the middle of the chaos I heard the Lord say “See, this is what I have been trying to tell YOU.” Humbled, I told Corban that he was right and, after the procedure was over, I sat down and began to examine myself and let the Holy Spirit reveal some things to me. Funny, when you sit still and listen, (and stop trying to analyze everything), God will show you so many things. This is not always an easy thing to do, but it is imperative in order to grow. This is what He showed me: I always give God my fears and needs, but I keep giving them to Him over and over again. I end up doing just what Corban said. I think about it. Instead of giving it to God and letting Him deal with it, I “talk” about it and analyze it. What a lack of faith I have had. I should just trust that God will work in the situation and stop begging Him for it. I’m afraid that this kind of behavior has robbed me of my joy. I say “robbed”, but I really mean that I gave it away. Having the Holy Spirit living inside of me means that I have joy, I only have to choose to walk in it. Jesus is my source of joy and happiness, not this old world.

Photo Tinks by WiddlyTinks.com

Where do I begin? This whole blog started out as a way for family and friends to keep up with us while we were on the mission field in Alaska. Since moving back to Alabama, I have struggled with what to do with it. I didn’t want to delete it, but I also didn’t want it to just sit here serving no purpose. I kept feeling like God wanted me to use it as an outlet to write the things He tells me—the things that I am learning and growing in—but the perfectionist and people pleaser in me has never really let me do that. I have posted a couple of things, but have had a hard time letting go and letting God write my blog.

Well, I finally decided to let go! For so long I have tried to be the perfect wife and perfect supermom only to be left feeling defeated when I obviously couldn’t reach the perfection that I desperately strived for. I have come to realize that I have been trying to please man and not God. I have been so afraid for so long that I wouldn’t measure up that I never really expressed my true feelings or let people see the true me. This has been something I have dealt with my entire life. I have never really reached my full potential because I am afraid it won’t be perfect. Because of this ridiculous strive for perfection, I find myself not completing very many things. If it isn’t perfect, I will re-do it which leaves me with a lot of unfinished projects. I really can’t tell you how many times I have started over in my checkbook register because I have either entered something wrong or the numbers look messy. This is absurd!! I have finally come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect, but if I do everything for the glory of God, He will make it perfect.

Hence, the reason for the new direction of this blog. I am embarking on a Bible study about Esther and her life has always spoken to me. She found herself in a situation that must have been difficult, but she listened to Mordecai when he said that she was where she was “for such a time as this”. Now, I am not a beautiful queen charged with the task of saving my people, but I am a daughter of the King of Kings who has been charged with the task of raising 2 little boys to be so in love with their Savior that they would go to the ends of the earth. I have also been given the task of being a supportive, encouraging, praying, uplifting, courageous wife of a minister of the Gospel. Can I do this all on my own? NO! In my eyes, I fail every time because what I do isn’t perfect, but Praise God I am where I am because He chose for me to be here “for such a time as this”. I promise to let go of the reigns and allow God to direct my path and allow Him to write my story. I will never be perfect and I will never try to be again. I will be me because that’s what God designed!

Shanna

Here We Go!

I am embarking on a new Bible study. This should be thought provoking and life changing. I will be doing this study with a group of women for the next 10 weeks. I can't wait to see what God teaches me through this!